I will never get girls. Ever.

Kaira is a WONDERFUL person, but I just dont see how me not calling one night is such an evil thing. Or why it even merits mentioning. Why, when i spoke to her the next day, was the first thing she said: "why didn't you call me last night?"? how about, "what have you been up to?". She never calls me. Its like its my job to stay in touch with her. WTF kind of relationship is that? Sure, i do stuff and im not always available, but COME ON. And even so, if she wants to wait around for me to call her, thats fine. i dont think it means she likes me less, i dont think it means she doesn't want to talk to me, all it means is that she doesn't call me. It doesn't reflect her emotions at all, and i know this because when i see her in person, she lets me know through her words and her actions. apparently it doesn't work that way for me though. if i dont call her EVERY NIGHT on the god damned telephone, that means i dont like her and i dont want to talk to her. im sorry that i think relationships based around a nightly telephone call are juvenile and boring. not to mention shallow. i'm really not into the whole "you hang up," "no, YOU hang up" thing, and listening to half an hours worth of static in the phone lines for every 15minutes of banter. im a face to face guy, and i always have been. the telephone is for exchange of information. "Ring Ring", "Hello?", "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, You?", "Nada, can i come over?", "Hell yeah!", "cool beans, i'll be there in 10.", "awesome dude, see you then", "bye" click.

maybe im overreacting, but she just makes me feel like shit for something so small.

and heres another scenario to consider: one night, i was at her house after work till like.... 3 in the morning. maybe later. anyway. before i left i said i'd probably call her around one the next day. well. not getting to sleep till 3:30 or 4 am, it shouldn't come as a surprise that at 1pm i was still asleep. i made an estimate about when i'd be up and going (a bad one, but thats why it was an estimate) and told her i'd call. i think i woke up around 2. i dont know for sure, but it was probably 15 till 3 when i did call. if there had been some pressing issue and i needed to contact her at 1, firstly i would have set my alarm. but also, i would have made the 1pm call happen. but there wasn't. it was a casual call, that was supposed to take place around 1, but instead took place, just as casually, at around 3. but my tardiness was my fatal flaw it seems. apparently, im a liar and i dont care about what i say to her and i dont keep my word. man. we were talking about it today and when she told me that i left. i was SO pissed. i would probably have said some mean things if i hadn't. and now that im thinking about it again im getting mad. i dont keep my word? whats more, "thats a fact." saying 'i'll probably call around 1' is not a contract. not even grammatically, because of the word "probably". and how about the real promises, hm? the ones that are in the dating contract. i wont cheat on you. thats a promise. i will do my best to address your emotional needs. thats a promise. i will spend time with you and make memories that we will both hold onto with joy for the rest of our lives. thats a promise. i will compromise when we disagree, for the sake of a meaningful and lasting relationship. thats a promise. i will concede when i am wrong, because you're more important to me than being right. thats a promise. but apparently those promises are all broken when i dont call "probably at 1." maybe i shouldn't have put a time stamp on the phone call in question. it certainly would have been safer to say "Ill call you tomorrow." (who knows, i might have, and then told her 1 when she asked when. that seems to make sense. i cant think of why i would have told her a specific time for a non specific event anyway.) but regardless. does it really void everything else? if "i will call you every night, regardless of anything" is in this contract, i certainly wasn't aware of it when i signed. cause not a relationship i want to be in. its meaningless. she shouldn't be angry that she's not on my mind 24/7. is it not good enough to be on it 18/7? if not then she needs to find somebody else. i dont expect her to be obsessed with me. if she was, i wouldn't date her.

i need to stop ranting and go to bed. i have to work at 11.