Here I am. its 3:30am, and i should be asleep. i recently broke up with my girlfriend. thats not whats keeping me from sleeping, but it certainly isn't helping. i really like her. even still. in fact, i love her. but thats why it had to end. i always felt like she was upset with everything i said. like i didn't make her happy. we always fought about everything, even if it was nothing, and so i made the decision to let it go. i could have held on for years i think, but by the end of it we'd just hate eachother. best to have a short, up-and-down relationship and have a friend at the end of it than have a long, bad relationship and someone you hate at the end of it. i feel really bad, cause i miss her, and i want to talk to her, but i know that the minute i ask how she's doing we'll end up back together. and thats a fast train to nowhere. and why? why do we fight all the time? cause i dont want someone to fall ridiculously and madly in love with. thats not what i want. and thats what she wants. she wants to be IN LOVE. i just want... someone that gets me. man. i sound like a woman. but really. i just want someone that i can be attracted to and talk to about whatever and not be misinterpreted. how do you distinguish girl-friend from best-friend? yeah there's sexual attraction, but thats pretty shallow. what beyond that? i have a best-friend, and he's a man. i am in no way attracted to him, but if he had been born an attractive girl, i'd say she was perfect for me. but then maybe not. there's alot of reasons why that might not be so. for one, being physical with someone throws a whole new deck of cards on the table. and for two, part of my best friends personality which i click with so well undoubtedly stems from the fact that he is male, and so has the male perspective. if he had been born a girl, his/her personality would be altered accordingly, and therefore she would be a different person. so basically everything i just said is ridiculous. my point is this: whats the difference between my really really highly attractive hypothetical female best-friend and my really really highly attractive hypothetical girl-friend? the fact that we've mutually entered into a hypothetical contract that publicly says that we give the other exclusive hypothetical make out rights? that seems pretty pointless. if thats the difference then i'd rather not have a contract at all, and just stick with the really really highly attractive hypothetical female best friend.
all of this of course, is outside of love. love makes things different. once love gets involved, then there's a clear distinction between hypothetical hot girlfriend and hypothetical hot female best friend. you love hypothetical hot girlfriend in a way that you do not love hypothetical hot female best friend. and sure you may love hypothetical hot female best friend, but not the way that you LOVE hypothetical hot girlfriend.
i dont think i love Kaira the way i love hypothetical hot girlfriend.
i wanted to.
i think thats the problem. when it boils down to it, i dont LOVE her, and she makes it hard to.

i need an adventurer.
i need a free spiriter.
i need someone who's independent.
i need someone who wants to be around me, but has girls to do her own shit with, and would sometimes rather be with them.
i need someone who thinks my pipe smells good.
i need someone who says 'fucking shit, damn it, bitch-ass, shit, FUCK!' because they like to say it.
i need someone who can handle it when there's nobody around.
i need someone who can include herself in my group. i'll assist, but i cant do it for her.

i dont like being doted on. im not that great. it makes me feel wierd and uncomfortable when im told that im the most attractive guy you've ever met. its fine if you wanna tell me you think im cute or whatever, but lay off a little. i dont want to hear details about how my eyes are beautiful, and that my face is gorgeous and how all my features compliment eachother perfectly. im supposed to tell YOU that, and when you tell me, it really creeps me out. i dont want you to tell me that im sexy when im working on my motorcycle. thats corny. think whatever you like, and let me know when we kiss or are otherwise intimate, as i will, but when you say those things, especially when im adjusting my clutch, its creepy and fake sounding. and certainly not helping the clutch.

anyway. i dont love her. not the way she wants to be loved anyway. that kind of love needs to grow. and i think in the beginning there was definately a love seedling there, but it was being watered with arguments and being smothered with neediness. i cant do opinionated, needy/clingy girls. yeah i want to be wanted, yeah it feels good to be needed sometimes, but when thats ALL someone wants, i feel like... like i donno. but its not good.

i've been writing for a long time.

I'm sorry i hurt you Kaira. where ever you are.