what does a man say after he's been silent for so long? isnt it enough that he can speak? there are so many things i wish i knew that i dont. there are so many more that i know, and i wish i didn't. i guess i wanted to see how far a leaf would blow in the wind. come to find the wind only blows you as far as you'll go. there aint no free rides, the stones already took them all. if they found them, why cant i? the only way to find is to search, and many search till they die. i shouldn't say such things, from what ive been told. ive even been shown, some shit poet's gold. there aint no free rides, the stones already took them all. good job at taking control, you lost all your friends (they're still on patrol) things could be worse. you could write robotic clunky unimagineative and mispelled almost insane indecipherable inconprehensible poetry post it on the internet, then allow no one to see. you could have no one. but you dont. you have everyone thats ever mattered, so let the wind blow. and take them with you.

Mines

They say the polar ice caps are melting away.
They say the oceans will rise and flood our cities away.
I've been in love with the earth since the day I was born,
Now its the end of the world and I've forgotten about it.
cause I found a new earth, Jesus said he was making it for me. She has blue sapphires that she can see out of, and porcelain doll skin, and brilliant sunbeams that grow from her head like hair. And when I go down deep in her depths, I find the gold I've been lookin for, the poets gold I've been after all of my life.
They say the worlds gonna end, but I think that its just the beginning.

Train movies

Squeals of wheels that carry us on, carry us all on the way. as we journey on and we journey out there's an inkling of doubt where my courage once was. A small creeping fear that the tracks just go on forever and ever into the grey oblivion of eternity.
Reels and reels of tape, obsolete and so many incomplete, waiting for
someone to watch them. Will you appreciate what someone somewhere sometime created for you? Will you love it the way it was intended, and the love it knew in creation? Is it anything to you at all?
Still we roll on, passing through cities and over miles of places where thousands upon thousands upon thousands have been, and lived, and died, and will go on so for all of time. Floating in the grey, making more tape, crying from their trying to finish tying all the endless loose ends in it.
Making tapes to roll on wheels, wheels that squeal as they roll us all on into the endless grey oblivion of eternity. At least there's some stories to watch, and some to tell.

I'm in the middle of one of the worst musical dry spells I've ever experienced. I haven't written ANYTHING. For some reason, I just haven't felt driven to pick up a pencil and put it to paper, or even play guitar. I remember sitting alone in an extremely large house in Austin and just listening to my soul pouring out of my fingers and into six thin metal strings, but i haven't been able to hear that music lately. If i play, I'm just playing old chord structures that are stored somewhere in the annals of my mind, my hands are just robotic extensions of a cold machine making dead, mechanical music.
I miss the life I used to hear.
There was fear in those songs.
There was hope in those songs.
There was pain in those songs.
There was love in those songs.

But these new songs... well... there not even songs.

I feel like the hollow, empty shell of the spirited young boy I used to be. Oh and how I can hear the echos in that shell.

Time Spent Dreaming

I dont really do anything with computers.
I used to facebook.
Now I just have this blog, kindof to fill the void facebook left i guess.

How sad is that? I am sitting at the controls of the most amazing piece of technology that 5,000 years of human history has produced, and to be honest it kinda bores me.
I could spend the time and learn how to write programs, but i think i would commit suicide in the process. first of all, lets look at computer programs: you've got your OS, your browser and internet security stuff, various drivers, probably some office related things (text editors, spreadsheet stuff...), and probably a media player or two. oh and games. haha. i dont really get into videogames, i will occasionally use a text editor in combination with a printer driver to print something (reducing the amazing technology of computers to nothing more than a glorified typewriter), all i use the internet for anymore is this blog, downloading music, and to look things up on wikipedia every now and then. what i use the computer for most is to organize and enjoy an extensive and ever growing library of music. mostly though i use my zune for the enjoying part. and in fact if i could organize and expand it from there too, i would.
what im saying is that i know i definitely dont use computers to their full potential, and sometimes i feel bad about that. because i used to be much more into them. i took programming classes and played games and built web pages and was generally just a computer nerd. i dont know what happened. i got to the point where i needed my efforts to have more tangible results i guess. so if i had the hardware and tools to build little robots or something, i would probably still be writing programs, but programs that made little robots run around the house and do my chores for me. computers have changed and are changing the world, but in a lot of ways i think they're making it less real. and that bothers me.

Ryan went back to ohio today. these past two weeks hanging out with him and matt and drew have been really incredible. i felt like i was on vacation. i think i've grown as a musician exponentially, and i really wish that it wasn't over so soon. ryan and i honestly barely know eachother, but we somehow click really well when we're playing guitar. at least thats my feeling. i think we click better than me and adam, and honestly i think that just has to do with upbringing and musical taste. me and adam are similarish in musical taste. me and ryan are even more similar in musical taste, and in upbringing. and that comes out in its rawest form when we do what we do best: play guitar. ryan clicks even better on guitar with palmer, and thats how it should be, and thats how i'd want it to be, but i still wish i could play with him. and palmer for that matter. i wouldn't mind being the odd man out, i think because of the odd man out thing i would add elements to the music that they wouldn't think of. the same can be said of anyone i suppose.
It has also been wonderful to watch matt progress as a musician. I remember when we were youngsters, i tried to get a band going, and it was going to be me on guitar and matt on bass and whoever else we could find. that was the beginning of my musical journey. i started to learn how to play guitar, and i haven't stopped. matt started to learn, but he didn't have the same drive and interest as i did at the time, and so he stopped. which was fine. i guess i wished he would have kept going at the time, but in reflection it was the best thing. i grew as a musician, he grew as a music listener, we both grew as friends, and i accepted and was fine with that. then homeboy runs off to africa, and comes back with a burning, firey passion for the drums, and he said he was going to learn. i was all for it, but im ashamed to say i was a little skeptical at first. not that i thought he didn't have the ability in him, but that he again just wouldn't have the drive. i found out he bought a little konga drum in tyler and was playing little jams with palmer and my heart smiled. when he came back here, one day he said "you wanna go drum shopping?" and we did. we got him those drums and i remember the first time he played was... well it was like when anyone does anything for the first time. it was bad. as bad as the first time i tried to play guitar. but he kept playing, and his beats got steadier, and steadier, and then he branched out and tried to change the beats up a bit, and of course it was shakey. but they got steadier, and steadier, and they were still simple, but he was progressing. and now the past two weeks that ryan was here he's been jamming, and in just two weeks the beats have gotten more complex, and of course always steadier.
its been really cool to see.

Inception is an incredible movie. go watch it.

Hope for the best

i seem to be constantly making terrible decisions.
i dont think i've stopped being a child yet.
ugh.
i might throw up.
hope for the best, but im bracing for the worst.

Crash

I'm 80 dollars richer, but i still cant find my soul.
Did i lose it to the sickness? Did i lose it in resignation?
Did i ever have it at all?