I'm in the middle of one of the worst musical dry spells I've ever experienced. I haven't written ANYTHING. For some reason, I just haven't felt driven to pick up a pencil and put it to paper, or even play guitar. I remember sitting alone in an extremely large house in Austin and just listening to my soul pouring out of my fingers and into six thin metal strings, but i haven't been able to hear that music lately. If i play, I'm just playing old chord structures that are stored somewhere in the annals of my mind, my hands are just robotic extensions of a cold machine making dead, mechanical music.
I miss the life I used to hear.
There was fear in those songs.
There was hope in those songs.
There was pain in those songs.
There was love in those songs.

But these new songs... well... there not even songs.

I feel like the hollow, empty shell of the spirited young boy I used to be. Oh and how I can hear the echos in that shell.

Time Spent Dreaming

I dont really do anything with computers.
I used to facebook.
Now I just have this blog, kindof to fill the void facebook left i guess.

How sad is that? I am sitting at the controls of the most amazing piece of technology that 5,000 years of human history has produced, and to be honest it kinda bores me.
I could spend the time and learn how to write programs, but i think i would commit suicide in the process. first of all, lets look at computer programs: you've got your OS, your browser and internet security stuff, various drivers, probably some office related things (text editors, spreadsheet stuff...), and probably a media player or two. oh and games. haha. i dont really get into videogames, i will occasionally use a text editor in combination with a printer driver to print something (reducing the amazing technology of computers to nothing more than a glorified typewriter), all i use the internet for anymore is this blog, downloading music, and to look things up on wikipedia every now and then. what i use the computer for most is to organize and enjoy an extensive and ever growing library of music. mostly though i use my zune for the enjoying part. and in fact if i could organize and expand it from there too, i would.
what im saying is that i know i definitely dont use computers to their full potential, and sometimes i feel bad about that. because i used to be much more into them. i took programming classes and played games and built web pages and was generally just a computer nerd. i dont know what happened. i got to the point where i needed my efforts to have more tangible results i guess. so if i had the hardware and tools to build little robots or something, i would probably still be writing programs, but programs that made little robots run around the house and do my chores for me. computers have changed and are changing the world, but in a lot of ways i think they're making it less real. and that bothers me.

Ryan went back to ohio today. these past two weeks hanging out with him and matt and drew have been really incredible. i felt like i was on vacation. i think i've grown as a musician exponentially, and i really wish that it wasn't over so soon. ryan and i honestly barely know eachother, but we somehow click really well when we're playing guitar. at least thats my feeling. i think we click better than me and adam, and honestly i think that just has to do with upbringing and musical taste. me and adam are similarish in musical taste. me and ryan are even more similar in musical taste, and in upbringing. and that comes out in its rawest form when we do what we do best: play guitar. ryan clicks even better on guitar with palmer, and thats how it should be, and thats how i'd want it to be, but i still wish i could play with him. and palmer for that matter. i wouldn't mind being the odd man out, i think because of the odd man out thing i would add elements to the music that they wouldn't think of. the same can be said of anyone i suppose.
It has also been wonderful to watch matt progress as a musician. I remember when we were youngsters, i tried to get a band going, and it was going to be me on guitar and matt on bass and whoever else we could find. that was the beginning of my musical journey. i started to learn how to play guitar, and i haven't stopped. matt started to learn, but he didn't have the same drive and interest as i did at the time, and so he stopped. which was fine. i guess i wished he would have kept going at the time, but in reflection it was the best thing. i grew as a musician, he grew as a music listener, we both grew as friends, and i accepted and was fine with that. then homeboy runs off to africa, and comes back with a burning, firey passion for the drums, and he said he was going to learn. i was all for it, but im ashamed to say i was a little skeptical at first. not that i thought he didn't have the ability in him, but that he again just wouldn't have the drive. i found out he bought a little konga drum in tyler and was playing little jams with palmer and my heart smiled. when he came back here, one day he said "you wanna go drum shopping?" and we did. we got him those drums and i remember the first time he played was... well it was like when anyone does anything for the first time. it was bad. as bad as the first time i tried to play guitar. but he kept playing, and his beats got steadier, and steadier, and then he branched out and tried to change the beats up a bit, and of course it was shakey. but they got steadier, and steadier, and they were still simple, but he was progressing. and now the past two weeks that ryan was here he's been jamming, and in just two weeks the beats have gotten more complex, and of course always steadier.
its been really cool to see.

Inception is an incredible movie. go watch it.

Hope for the best

i seem to be constantly making terrible decisions.
i dont think i've stopped being a child yet.
ugh.
i might throw up.
hope for the best, but im bracing for the worst.

Crash

I'm 80 dollars richer, but i still cant find my soul.
Did i lose it to the sickness? Did i lose it in resignation?
Did i ever have it at all?

This

is the most unsettling and upseting thing i have ever seen:

Set the Fire to the Third Bar (Flaws in Sience)

Snow Patrol feat. Martha Wainright

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

Here I am. its 3:30am, and i should be asleep. i recently broke up with my girlfriend. thats not whats keeping me from sleeping, but it certainly isn't helping. i really like her. even still. in fact, i love her. but thats why it had to end. i always felt like she was upset with everything i said. like i didn't make her happy. we always fought about everything, even if it was nothing, and so i made the decision to let it go. i could have held on for years i think, but by the end of it we'd just hate eachother. best to have a short, up-and-down relationship and have a friend at the end of it than have a long, bad relationship and someone you hate at the end of it. i feel really bad, cause i miss her, and i want to talk to her, but i know that the minute i ask how she's doing we'll end up back together. and thats a fast train to nowhere. and why? why do we fight all the time? cause i dont want someone to fall ridiculously and madly in love with. thats not what i want. and thats what she wants. she wants to be IN LOVE. i just want... someone that gets me. man. i sound like a woman. but really. i just want someone that i can be attracted to and talk to about whatever and not be misinterpreted. how do you distinguish girl-friend from best-friend? yeah there's sexual attraction, but thats pretty shallow. what beyond that? i have a best-friend, and he's a man. i am in no way attracted to him, but if he had been born an attractive girl, i'd say she was perfect for me. but then maybe not. there's alot of reasons why that might not be so. for one, being physical with someone throws a whole new deck of cards on the table. and for two, part of my best friends personality which i click with so well undoubtedly stems from the fact that he is male, and so has the male perspective. if he had been born a girl, his/her personality would be altered accordingly, and therefore she would be a different person. so basically everything i just said is ridiculous. my point is this: whats the difference between my really really highly attractive hypothetical female best-friend and my really really highly attractive hypothetical girl-friend? the fact that we've mutually entered into a hypothetical contract that publicly says that we give the other exclusive hypothetical make out rights? that seems pretty pointless. if thats the difference then i'd rather not have a contract at all, and just stick with the really really highly attractive hypothetical female best friend.
all of this of course, is outside of love. love makes things different. once love gets involved, then there's a clear distinction between hypothetical hot girlfriend and hypothetical hot female best friend. you love hypothetical hot girlfriend in a way that you do not love hypothetical hot female best friend. and sure you may love hypothetical hot female best friend, but not the way that you LOVE hypothetical hot girlfriend.
i dont think i love Kaira the way i love hypothetical hot girlfriend.
i wanted to.
i think thats the problem. when it boils down to it, i dont LOVE her, and she makes it hard to.

i need an adventurer.
i need a free spiriter.
i need someone who's independent.
i need someone who wants to be around me, but has girls to do her own shit with, and would sometimes rather be with them.
i need someone who thinks my pipe smells good.
i need someone who says 'fucking shit, damn it, bitch-ass, shit, FUCK!' because they like to say it.
i need someone who can handle it when there's nobody around.
i need someone who can include herself in my group. i'll assist, but i cant do it for her.

i dont like being doted on. im not that great. it makes me feel wierd and uncomfortable when im told that im the most attractive guy you've ever met. its fine if you wanna tell me you think im cute or whatever, but lay off a little. i dont want to hear details about how my eyes are beautiful, and that my face is gorgeous and how all my features compliment eachother perfectly. im supposed to tell YOU that, and when you tell me, it really creeps me out. i dont want you to tell me that im sexy when im working on my motorcycle. thats corny. think whatever you like, and let me know when we kiss or are otherwise intimate, as i will, but when you say those things, especially when im adjusting my clutch, its creepy and fake sounding. and certainly not helping the clutch.

anyway. i dont love her. not the way she wants to be loved anyway. that kind of love needs to grow. and i think in the beginning there was definately a love seedling there, but it was being watered with arguments and being smothered with neediness. i cant do opinionated, needy/clingy girls. yeah i want to be wanted, yeah it feels good to be needed sometimes, but when thats ALL someone wants, i feel like... like i donno. but its not good.

i've been writing for a long time.

I'm sorry i hurt you Kaira. where ever you are.